Gilbert on Crack
by IntraSule
Summary: A crazy bum gives Gilbert crack. Gilbert uses it. Cracktastic craziness ensues. Don't read if crack addiction or use is a sensitive issue to you.


Hiya! I read some really awesome crackfic and thought "Hey, it'd be cool if I wrote one, too!" And when I watched that awesome MMD video "Prussia on Crack", this little diddy (a word that doesn't exist, according to Microsoft word) popped into my head!

Hetalia isn't mine, otherwise the Hetalians would be stalking me. Not that I'm stalking Hidekaz-sama, myself…Enjoy.

* * *

Gilbert was strolling down the boulevard, making his way to the "Berlin Shopping Center for Junior High School Girls and Basement-dwelling Man-Nations With No Lives", whistling a happy tune to himself to pass the time, when he was coming up towards an alley, an alley that was surprisingly too dark and ominous for such a glorious, sunny summer day. Even the garbage in the alley was leaking evil. But Gilbert paid it no mind; whatever evil wanted to hurt him, he can handle it; he's the freaking awesome Prussia! Although a little modesty wouldn't hurt him…

So, Gilbert was merrily and deliberately ignoring the evil alley that was clearly giving off bad warning mojo, when suddenly a crazed hobo jumped out from the alley's shadows. The bottom side of his face was covered with a dirty bandana, so all the other person can see were his deranged-ridden, red-rimmed eyes.

"Hurgh murghle dumph furm!" The hobo said, his words muffled by the cloth. He punched Gilbert in the face before shoving a sandwich bag full of white rock-like crystals into Gilbert's hands. He then sprinted to the nearest sewer, lifted the top with superhuman strength, and dove into the sewer head-first.

Gilbert watched the man as he dove into the sewer, then at the baggie, then at the sewer, then at the baggie again, and he was still confused. He shrugged and shouted, "Okay, pal! Thank you!" before continuing on his path. It wasn't until he was crossing the public park when he decided to see what this little bag of crystal was. He opened the bag and took a crystal out, holding it up to his eye to look at it closely. It looked like one of those rock candy he telepathetically stole from Kiku a couple of times a while back. He flicked it into his mouth and let it roll on his tongue, but it dissolved too quickly before he was able to tell if it tasted awful or not. He flicked another one in his mouth, this time paying attention to how the candy tasted before it melted away, but it still didn't give him a flavor. He ate another one…and another one…and another one…

* * *

Gilbert tore through the town's street, screeching out a horrid battle cry as he waved his shirt around above his head like a flag and scaring everyone coming dangerously within five feet of him. "CAN-DAY!" He said when he wasn't yodeling his awesome Prussian battle cry. His pale hair- now dirty and tangled enough to make a great nest for his awesome bird-friend, Gilbird- swung with his head as he swept the streets with his bulging red eyes, savoring the panic of the citizens as he crouched low and scurried about like a little cockroach.

"Candy…" Gilbert hissed, stroking the empty baggie like a Gollum-wannabe. "Candy, must have my candy…Gollum, Gollum…!" He stayed in that position silently, scanning the crowd around him that stopped screaming and running long enough to watch him warily, before he jumped ten feet in the air, singing awesomely "I BELIEVE I CAN FLY!" and landing on top of a vendor that was innocently trying to work to feed his family.

"You! Vendor machine man!" Gilbert pointed down towards the vendor lying under his feet. "What is your name?! Immediately!"

"M-my name? M-Mikkael Odgen…"

"NONSENSE! I shall name you Gilbird, like my Gilbird!" Gilbert proclaimed as he pointed at his head.

"Tweet tweet!" Gilbird poked his head out of the mess of hair to make himself known, then he nestled back in.

"Now Gilbird-"

"Tweet tweet?"

"Not you, bitch, my other Gilbird! Anyway, make me a cheesecake strudel candy thingy with chocolate, and cherries, and cheesecake, and hot cocoa, and fudge swirls, and liverwurst, and broccoli- nein, nein broccoli!- and mozzarella, and sprinkles, and cinnamon, and Spain's tomatoes- oh, I should give him a call!- and goat's milk, and sprinkles-"

-Five minutes later, in which the list of ingredients obviously becomes ridiculous and repetitive-

"And chili peppers, and peanut butter, and hot cocoa," Gilbert continued, counting the list off on his fingers slowly as he sat crossed-leg on the cold, empty pavement. "Hey, are you getting any of this? I think you should write this down!" He looked down at the pavement he was sitting on, expecting the now-escaped Gilbird number two to still be under him. After a couple of minutes of staring at the ground beneath him, his hopped-up brain finally registered that his other Gilbird was gone.

"Unbelievable!" Gilbert shouted indignantly. "I can't believe that my Gilbird just up and left me like that! Ain't that a bitch?!" He shot up from the concrete and picked up the vending station with his inhuman nation strength. "Ke-se se se se se se se se se!" He shouted as he tossed the station to the nearest apartment, where it crashed into a part of a wall and knocked some of the bricks apart, revealing a man taking a shower.

"Eeeek!" The man squealed, feigning fear and embarrassment as he half-covered, half-posed for the viewing public and Elizaveta's camera.

"Candy! Or your vital regions with be invaded by my awesome five-meter…sword! For those of you who thought I meant my wee-wee, then you are sadly half-mistaken, my dear pals!" Gilbert shouted among the citizens, pulling out a sword from somewhere on his body (most likely his pants) and whipping the weapon wildly above his head instead of his shirt.

"TWEET TWEET!" Gilbird shrieked fearfully, cowering lower into the hair to avoid getting decapitated by the whipping blade.

Gilbert ran about in such a state, waving his sword to chop down signs, streetlamps, and trees that he passed. A couple of times, there were near-misses with people's heads and other body limbs.

Standing in front of a bakery just down Gilbert's path, Alfred was busying himself with drooling a river over the little cakes and donuts behind the display window when he heard a deranged battle cry from afar. When he was able to pull his attention away from the baked goods long enough to stop soaking himself up to his knees with drool, he saw Gilbert coming towards him, smiled, and made his way over to the Prussian.

"Yo, Gil, dude!" Alfred called out cheerfully as he walked up towards Gilbert, blissfully unable to detect the danger emanating from Gilbert even though people were blatantly running away from him and screaming their frightened lungs out and Gilbert's face clearly reading "crack-induced murder spree."

"A-Alfred?" Gilbert actually calmed down enough to stop waving his sword and look at him with genuine, civil attention.

"Uh, yeah? Dude, you're a total mess! What kind of party were you in? H-hey! What're ya-? Hey!" Alfred protested as Gilbert returned to his craze and clawed at Alfred's clothes.

"New vital regions! Happy Birthday to me!' Gilbert exclaimed as he dragged Alfred by the legs into the same evil alley that he somehow managed to return to in his fit of running around town, both men disappearing into its shadows. For a while, there was silence, but then that silence was broken by sounds of screaming, moaning, clothes ripping, and Gilbert shouting: "Your vital regions are mine! Your vital regions are mine! Yeah, baby! Whoa! Oh~!" Then the silence returned for a long, long time…

Alfred came out of the alley unscathed, straightening his trusty bomber jacket and cleaning the Prussian blood from his knuckles. "Feh, that dumbass was trying to invade _my _vital regions?" He grumbled to himself triumphantly. "That bitch didn't know who he was dealing with; I'm the hero! I'm the motherfucking U-S-of-A! He better recognize who he was trying to get!" Alfred walked away, mumbling angrily to himself as he did so.

Gilbert crawled painfully out of the alley, one eye blackened and swollen shut and purple bruises appearing on his arms. "Okay…" he croaked, "…new plan. Oh, I know!" He jumped off the ground, which was a bad idea because his back and his legs were injured severely and jumping up like that would cause some deathly-intense pain once the high was gone. "I'll make a kick-ass video! Oh, yeah!" He pumped his fist in the air, which was another bad idea since Alfred broke his arm. He half-ran, half-limped to a hotel. Without paying attention to the doorman's protests, Gilbert made his way to the elevators, rode on one to a high level, and got off. He went to a door and knocked on it.

"Yes, hello?" Heracles said tiredly as he opened the door, obviously disturbed from a really good nap.

"Give me your cat ears!" Gilbert demanded. "I need your cat ears! Also, while we're at it, GIVE ME YOUR VITAL REGIONS!"

Before the groggy Heracles could sense peril and react, Gilbert grappled Heracles' legs and swung him on his shoulders, kicking the suite's door closed behind him and charging through the suite to the bedroom. There, he kicked that door closed too, bellowing something about "vital regions" and "no longer a micro nation" and "no longer a loser virgin in his bruder's basement." There, similar noises from the alley sounded from the bedroom, as well as springs creaking and wall-bumping, and when an hour passed, Heracles emerged from the bedroom, zipping up his fly and wearing a satisfied grin on his face.

Gilbert limped from the bedroom afterwards, massaging his lower back with one hand and holding up his ripped pants with the other. "U-um, thanks, Heracles," Gilbert said in a hushed and exhausted voice. He smirked victoriously as he pulled out a pair of fluffy pink cat ears from his pocket, as well as a video camera.

-Somewhere in Japan-

"Okay, are you ready to perform the skit, Big Brother?" Kiku asked Yao.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm ready, now let's get on with it!" Yao mumbled impatiently, straightening his slutty police officer costume that he auctioned from Francis on eBay.

Kiku nodded obediently and reached into his bag to get the camera. When he didn't feel it in there, he frantically searched through the items, dumping the entire bag out onto the ground and scattering the papers, books, and anime DVDs about. "Hey, where did it go?! My camera's gone! I just packed it in here a few minutes ago!" Poor Kiku. It must suck that a nation is so epic that he can just steal your things without even being there physically.

-Back at the hotel, where Gilbert was preparing to make a fool of himself-

Gilbert connected the camera to the laptop and had sat it on the table, aimed straight at him. When he switched everything on, he back flipped and twirled to the open space behind him (because walking is too lame for an awesome nation on crack) and stood completely still. Gilbird flew from his tangled nest-hair and landed on a stereo, and with his beak, he pressed the play button. Gilbert smirked to himself a wide, demonic smirk, before looking up to the camera and singing:

"Cat, I'm a kitty-cat! And I dance, dance, dance, I dance, dance, dance!" He twisted from side to side with his hands up in a playfully feline position, his legs kicking up and his face set in a strange, neko-like grin. "Cat! I'm a kitty cat! And I meow, meow, meow, I meow, meow, meow!" He shook his pasty butt like a kitten shaking its tail. After that, he just started to do some crazy, physics law-raping, gravity-defying shit that his fried brain managed to convince him was normal dancing. He was just cart-wheeling and flying in mid-air, with his trusty bird jumping like some caffeinated (or maybe "cracked-up") little flea behind him, which should leave many fans to contemplate if maybe Gilbert isn't the best person to care for a pet, because obviously if he was able to just randomly eat crack that some strange, violent hobo shoved into his hands after punching him right in the face and not think whether or not it was drugs, then he'd likely feed some to Gilbird, too.

Even worse, Heracles was just watching from the suite's couch, sitting crossed-leg and cradling a cat, not once thinking that he should call for help for the hazardously-hyper nation with broken limbs and bad bruises.

"Why should I? This is fun!" Heracles spoke up softly, not realizing that Gilbert's condition and his ability to break the fourth wall in a fan fiction combined could lead to anime apocalypse to all anime ever made.

"Eh, I thought 4Kids was the apocalypse for all anime everywhere? God forbid that we Hetalia nations should fall victim to its clutches..."

Hm…Good point…

* * *

Ludwig was sitting in his office desk, pretending to be working on reports but was actually drawing cute, sparkly, pink shounen-ai pictures of himself and Italy (cue the GerIta fan girl squeal) when one of his officers rushed in the office, so panicked at the news he couldn't find the few seconds to open the door, so he just kinda…crashed through the door, shattering it into a million splinters. Those morning military training sessions were really paying off.

"Commander Ludwig!" The officer screeched loudly.

"No need to screeched like a little dolphin, comrade, I'm right here," Ludwig stated, not breaking his concentration on his drawing.

"Um, dolphins don't- anyway, sir, I have terrible news!"

"Gilbert's on crack and he's wreaking havoc on Berlin, and is now making a viral video that should've been embarrassing but instead just fuels his over inflated ego. Yeah, I know."

The German officer's eyes widen in shock. "But…how did you know? I-I don't even have the reports for that last bit of information!"

"My Spidey senses were tingling as soon as he stepped out of the basement," Ludwig stated sardonically.

The officer srunched his eyebrows together in confusion. "A-are you going to, I don't know, stop him?"

"And break my concentration on this drawing and ruin my chances of winning Kiku and Alfred's Otakukon 2013 Shounen-ai Drawing contest? Keh, no way!" Ludwig paused his drawing to look at his drawing. "Oh, what if I draw my hands on his butt? Yes, yes, the fan girls will like that and most definitely give me their vote…"

The officer slowly backed away from Ludwig's desk with his palms up, mentally making preparations for Gilbert's capture as well as taking notes to never, ever, hang out with Ludwig or Gilbert ever again.

* * *

Well, if it isn't obvious enough, this is my first attempt at crack fan fiction. I don't know whether it's "cracky" enough (ha, interesting new word) so I'll let you readers decide. I tried to make references from other shows and memes, too, (like this YouTube video:/watch?v=wLrSL-pHIws ) if you look closely enough. I hope you've enjoyed it! :D


End file.
